


don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me

by redrocketracer



Category: South Park
Genre: Character with PTSD, Concert scene, Dancing, Drinking, Drug Use, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Homophobia, House concerts, M/M, Mentions of rape but no details of it, Mutual Pining, Panic Attacks, girl bands, venting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:26:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redrocketracer/pseuds/redrocketracer
Summary: Maybe Kenny is a little too high. A little tipsy. Maybe it’s just the way the party feels. The music pounding in Kenny’s ears, vibrating throughout his veins, his cells, his blood. Maybe it’s the way Craig stares at the stage, illuminated in purples and then pink and then yellow and then pink and back to purple. He bobs his head, sways gently. Kenny dances at these things. He is always the only one dancing. But Lola is singing his favorite song her bands ever produced. And Craig is feeling the music. Really feeling it. Kenny can always taste Craig’s admiration for live music. Gulps in down whenever Kenny’s eyes fall on him in the crowd. Drinks in his energy. He can't help it.It’s weird because Kenny is extroverted and Craig is introverted. Their emotions are similar towards music but their expressions are different. But one fact remains, the thing that threads them together is their absolute, unwavering love for music, weed, and Kenny's weird admiration for Craig.An maybe,  just maybe... Craig's admiration for Kenny,  too.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: there is one thing i'm going to warn about with this story and it's that there is mention of rape and a main character with ptsd. This story is partially based off my own experiences and is meant to be therapeutic in a way. The portrayal of ptsd is from my own experiences with it. I am sorry if it doesn't match up to yours, if you suffer with it.
> 
> If you have experienced sexual assault or have been raped, please seek out support and help. There is always help out there for you. You can heal and learn how to cope. I have faith in you.
> 
> Resources:
> 
> RAPE, ASSAULT INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK
> 
> 800 656 4673
> 
> NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE
> 
> 1 800 273 8255

Maybe it’s just the way the party feels. The music pounding in Kenny’s ears, vibrating throughout his veins, his cells, his blood. Maybe it’s the way Craig stares at the stage, illuminated in purples and then pink and then yellow and then pink and back to purple. He bobs his head, sways gently. Kenny dances at these things. He is always the only one dancing. But Lola is singing his favorite song her bands ever produced. And Craig is feeling the music. Really feeling it. The way his eyes are closed, lips parted. Fingers tapping his thigh. How he mouths the lyrics. Kenny can always taste Craig’s admiration for live music. Gulps in down whenever Kenny’s eyes fall on him in the crowd. Drinks in his energy.

Without much of a thought he grabs the other boys hand, spins his body towards him. Those dark brown eyes stare into blue. Crajg expresses a small, forced smile and lets Kenny take a lead. It’s weird because Kenny is extroverted and Craig is introverted. Their emotions are similar towards music but their expressions are different. Maybe Kenny is a little too high. A little tipsy. But he grabs onto Craig’s waist and Craig half heartedly complies by wiggling a bit, Kenny’s finger tips curl into his sides before Craig slips out of his hold.

Hours had passed since then.

The two seldom talk. And yet they pass a blunt back and forth after Lola’s set. They’re in the van. Clyde has Lola’s body pressed against the side of it. Smearing her bright red lipstick, her false lashes falling off. Esther and Jenny hightailed it out of there with some cute boys. Kevin and Red left too. Craig doesn’t have much in common with these people. They grew up together. Red is Craig's cousin but they hate eachother. Kevin is kind of weird. Esther, Jenny and Lola were acquaintances. Clyde was Craig's only friend. And Kenny was. Kenny was just kind of a mutual friend. Maybe he does have more tie to them than he would like yo admit. It’s small threads intertwining that leads you to a new knot.

Craig likes concerts. Emo revival shit and house parties. Craig heavily influences Clyde’s life. Clyde starts going to these concerts when Craig does. Clyde meets the love of his life, the indie queen, Lola. Sparkles and bright red lipstick and her hair partially in two buns and half down. Lola who has a girl band with Esther and Jenny. Lola who isn’t particularly in the music scene Craig is into. Lola, who enjoys the music that one night on their freshman winter break. Lola who has a sweet smile and dimples that make Clyde’s insides flutter. Lola who Clyde gushes to Kenny and Craig about. Lola who he finally asks out to a bonfire party after their sophmore year. Lola who Clyde kisses that night and falls for. Falls hard for. Lola, who Clyde always has a rose for after her concerts.

Lola and Clyde. Clyde who is close to Kenny. Clyde who passes pornos to Kenny. Clyde who invites Kenny to sleepovers occasionally. Clyde who talks about sex to Kenny, even though he doesn’t have experience with girls. Kenny who is a pervert. Kenny, who listens and gives Clyde tips. And condoms. And makes Craig scoff at though he kind of appreciates Kenny doing what he can’t as Clyde’s friend. Kenny, who Craig sometimes smokes with. Kenny, who can't stop looking at Craig. Kenny, who attempted to make Craig dance and (kind of, barely) succeeded. It almost wounds Kenny. But he can’t feel awkward. He’s focusing on the silliest things. Like the way Craig wears a baseball cap backwards. He lets out a giggle.

“Man. You look like hipster shit.” Craig lazily raises his middle finger up at Kenny in retaliation. Kenny just laughs some more.

“Hip hipstery Craig. That’s great man.” Kenny says, lazy with the high. He leans his head back, baring his neck.

“At least I don’t look like a giant cheeto.” Craig says it in such monotone and they are both cracking up. Kenny tugs at the sleeves of his orange parka. God. It’s true and it’s the greatest thing ever. Lola peeks her head into the van and jiggles the keys.

“I don’t trust you assholes to drive. I’m sober. Get in the back.” She says. Craig and Kenny look at each other briefly before they let out another laugh. Kenny decides that he likes Craig when he laughs. The other male seldom does it. But when he’s high he’s the greatest. That's their relationship. Their connection.

Kenny's weird admiration of Craig that is probably one sided. And weed. The two always pair up for projects. Often hang out. But there is a distance Craig keeps from everyone that isn't Clyde. And kenny is far, far, far from being inside Craig's heart.

The drive back to Clyde’s house is quiet. Short lived. He only lives a block over from the house they were playing at. Kenny jumps down from the back of the truck, being careful not to bring down any instruments with him. He holds out a hand for Craig to hold as sits down and gets pulled up. Kenny grins at Craig and Craig cracks the smallest of smiles. Kenny stares at those plush lips. Soft. Not chapped at all. Kenny’s eyes follow Craig’s movements as, coincidentally he pulls out chapstick and smears it on his lips.

Craig always that damn cherry chapstick. Kenny remembers peeking in his garbage one time when they were with Clyde and seeing nothing but empty sticks. Kenny's tongue darts out and moistens his chapped lips. Another contrast.

“we’re crashing in my room. You guys can take the basement.” Clyde says. His voice is dry. Kind of like Craig’s, but with more emotion conveyed at the appropriate time.

It’s cold, wind bitter and mean. The streetlights light them all up in a soft, yellow hue. And they make their way out of it’s dull guidance. Lola holds onto Clyde’s hand and leads him to his room. The path is so familiar for her, as if it were her house and she lived there her whole life with Clyde. Craig takes a seat on he counter. And Kenny rummages around the fridge. He’s so hungry. And settles on some old mac and cheese Lola made for Clyde and his dad one night.

Craig’s eyes are glued to his cellphone. That’s one thing Kenny noticed about Craig. While the other male takes pictures of everything, he never does at concerts. His phone is placed in his pocket the whole time. Eyes closed as he sways gently to the beat. Getting lost in the music, the words woven together. The instruments complimenting them.

  
Kenny digs a fork he found inside the utensil draw in the tin pan of mac and cheese. It’s cold and stuck together. But he is so impatient and hungry that he doesn’t care. He lets out a audible sign of his pleasure and he finally bites into it.

“You’re really eating it like that?” Craig stares at him with those dark eyes. The eyes that frustrate Kenny whenever he looks into them. He can never read Craig’s emotions under the apathy he presents on the surface.

“Yeah? You only live once. Like that song by The Strokes. Remember?” Craig blinks and looks down at the mac and cheese. Kenny assumes he is hesitant. Just blankly looking down at the food.

“Fuck it.” It’s said so dry. Craig reaches his hand in the pan and takes out a bit of the mac and cheese, soft, cold, in his palm. He puts it in his mouth and Kenny laughs. It’s the funniest thing in the world. He watches as Craig quietly eats like that. Picking at the food with his bare hands. They’re high and hungry. It’s ok.

The disposable pan is clean of the noodles when they are done with it. Kenny drops his spoon in the sink, Craig washes his hand under lukewarm water. They discard it in the garbage bin. Kenny stretches lazily, tired. Craig jumps down from the counter and they turn off the lights, stepping into the darkness of the basement. Craig flicks the light switch upwards and the room comes to life.

Clyde and his dad decided to turn the basement into a guest bedroom when they moved to the smaller house. When Clyde’s mom died, the two of them remained in South Park. However, they moved to the outskirts where it bleeds into North Park. Clyde was able to stay at the same school district since North and South park are merged together after middle school. There were a lot of drastic changes after fourth grade, and they became even more dramatic as Clyde’s body and mind also transformed.

Craig takes off his cap and puts it on the dresser next to the bed. The room is lifeless. The walls are an off white shade. It’s simple, undecorated. Just an ugly green comforter and sheets with a tv hanging on the wall. Craig pulls back the blanket and is automatically stuck and glued to the bed when his body is under the warmth. Exhaustion crashing over his body. Kenny feels his eyes drooping, eye lashes veiling his blues.

  
Kenny turns on the tv, and turns off the light. It’s already on mute, with some show from disney playing with wordless characters. Kenny crawls into bed next to Craig. And he’s so, so tired. He feels like he is sinking into the mattress. The covrrs stick to his body and it’s so safe and warm. His eyes stay glued to the back of Craig’s head. His eyelids flutter. With no words exchanged Kenny wraps his arms around Craig. A good half of Kenny’s action are thoughtless, or they're over calculated. However, this is somewhere in a confusing middle. Because Kenny feels like he wanted to touch Craig for awhile. But he also didn’t think about it. He just knew he wants to feel the other in his arms, and that was that.

Craig doesn’t squirm out of this hold this time. Instead turns around and nuzzles his nose in the crook of Kenny’s neck.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of just setting everything up. Everything mentioned is kind of important

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: there is one thing i'm going to warn about with this story and it's that there is mention of rape and a main character with ptsd. This story is partially based off my own experiences and is meant to be therapeutic in a way. The portrayal of ptsd is from my own experiences with it. I am sorry if it doesn't match up to yours, if you suffer with it.
> 
> If you have experienced sexual assault or have been raped, please seek out support and help. There is always help out there for you. You can heal and learn how to cope. I have faith in you.
> 
> Resources:
> 
> RAPE, ASSAULT INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK
> 
> 800 656 4673
> 
> NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE
> 
> 1 800 273 8255

Craig is a very light, small person. He’s tall, towering over mostly everyone in their school. However, his frame is so tiny. Thin, gangly arms and legs. Collarbones that jut out. Ribs that are prominent, like a thin layer of flesh coating bones. It’s like you could knock him over easily if you tried. Kenny doesn’t want to let go when he wakes. He can feel Craig’s cold nose in the hook of his neck, brushing against his adams apple.

  
Kenny’s fingers comb through Craig’s dark locks. He stays there, fingers cold to the exposure of morning bitter. But he doesn’t care. He closes his eyes, though he can’t sleep. And enjoys the feeling of holding another human being. Cuddling has always been one of Kenny’s favorite things about hooking up with people. Since Craig and him had not hooked up, there was no concern for his least favorite part of it. Which was the unreciprocated feelings Kenny usually has.

  
He doesn’t like Craig in a romantic way. Though he does admire him. Something about him draws Kenny in. But Kenny knows he won’t have to deal with the emotions he usually has to deal with from the other person. Craig isn’t close to anyone. Kenny doesn’t think he’s ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend besides Tweek. They have a sort of similarity in there. The only girl Kenny has ever been super steady with was Tammy. The two remained friends, but ever since then Kenny hasn’t made a commitment. He loves everyone a little bit. Everyone has so many traits that are admirable. Nice smiles, big passions, pretty hearts. He loves it. But with the that good comes bad, and maybe Kenny just doesn’t want to see the bad in people when he tries to idolize the goods. Being in a relationship exposes a human for all their flaws.

  
Kenny’s head pounds from the hangover he knew was to come on. He lays there in a quiet pleasure and suffering. A contrast between enjoying Craig’s bony frame and pain from the hangover. An hour has to have pass when Kenny feels Craig’s fingers curl and bunch the fabric of Kenny’s shirt. Craig pulls away. Eyes opening to look into Kenny’s. His browns are half lidded and tired, always sleepy. Kenny’s eyes dart to the eyelash that lays on Craig’s cheek. Kenny has a desire to press his fingers down where it rests and wipe it away. But he feels like that would be crossing a boundary. He stifles the yearning, gulps it down like he does a lot of the emotions he feels towards Craig.

  
“Morning.” Kenny says, groggy. Craig exhales through his nose and it tickles Kenny. He hides his face in Kenny’s neck again. The freckled man freezes. He can hear his heart beat quicken. His tongue darts out to moisten his lips and he eventually lets it fall on the back of Craig’s neck.

  
“I think we have b schedule today.” Craig says, it’s muffled from where he is burying his face into Kenny’s flesh. And yeah, shit. It’s Monday. Who decides to host a house concert on Sundays anyway? Of course everyone would come. Kenny tries to remember that it was mostly a group of 20 somethings, who don’t have their time consumed in school. Inconsiderate.

  
“Fuck my life. We have Bolden today.” Kenny mumbles out. He lets high fingertips stroke the flesh at the nap of Craig’s neck. Soft. Unfortunately Craig pulls away, stands and stretches. The light filtering in from the blinds colors him so beautiful. In shades of gold shimmering on tan flesh. Arms over his head, the back of his shirt lifting up a bit and exposes said skin.

  
It makes Kenny feel something he can’t explain.

  
Craig pulls his cap over his head, backwards as per usual. They have 45 minutes until they have to separate to their first class.  
*

  
“Hola. Mi llama Stan. Uh… Como ti…uh. Como ti llama.” Stan squint down at his notes as if this is the hardest thing to do for him. The other male has never been especially good with foreign languages. When he and Wendy dated, she’d speak to her mother in Arabic. He’d sit in the back of the car, uncomfortable and confused and unsure of what to say in his own native tongue.

  
“Buenos dias, Stan. Mi llama Kenny. Como estas?” Stan looks up at him and lets out a frustrated sound.

  
“I don’t understand any of this. Fuck spanish.” Kenny grins and shrugs his shoulders.

  
“it’s not that hard. It’s actually pretty easy once you get the hang out it. They say if you can learn Spanish you can learn any other language…right?” Kenny explains. It may be easier for him to say though. He’s always been around immigrants because of his job at City Wok as a kid. Stan shrugs his shoulders.

  
“Beats me dude.” Stan closes his notebook. The room is full of chatter from their classmates practicing their spanish notes. Stan looks down at his cellphone, and Kenny just draws in his book. The conversation between them subsides as they go their own way. However, there are five minutes left in the class when Stan says

  
“Dude. Gay.” And flips his phone around to show Kenny a picture of him and Craig at the party they were at last night. The facebook logo was in the upper left corner. In the picture, Kenny has his neck stretched back as his laughs so hearty. His hand rests on Craig’s thigh, and Craig has a small smile on his face. Their sides are pressed together.

  
“How is this gay, Stan? Inform me.” Kenny says as he rolls his eyes. He taps his fingers against the surface of his desk.

  
“I mean. There is nothing wrong with being gay. But you aren’t right? Is Craig attracted to you dude?” Kenny lets out a scoff. He’s not gay. Kenny likes woman. Craig dated Tweek, and it was a well known fact that he was gay. Even if

Tweek and Craig broke up a few years back.  
“No, asshole. We got high, it was packed in the van. I’m not fucking gay like Craig. And Craig didn’t like anyone but Tweek.” Stan looks at him blankly for a few seconds and shrugs his shoulders.

  
“Okay, dude.” Stan responds. He shoves his books in has backpack as the bell rings. People line out the door, and Kenny drags his ass to his second to last class of the day.

  
Kenny has Literature, and in that class he sits next to Clyde and Craig. The three of them take up the round table. They have one other partner, Nelly. She hasn’t changed much from when they were in elementary school. She never liked Kenny too much, and she refuses to meet his eyes when he sits down. The four of them sit down and wait for their teacher to arrive.

  
“The concert was fucking awesome.” Clyde explain as Craig looks down at his cellphone and Kenny’s eyes dart to him, briefly. Craig remains quiet though, focused on whatever he’s doing.

  
“Yeah it was. Saw you got some last night!” Kenny says. Clyde bumps his fists with his and they grin at each other. Nelly lets out a scoff, not taking her eyes off of the book in front of her.

  
“You guys are pigs.” She says. And they ignore her.

  
As she says this, the teacher walks in. Ms. Eve was everyone’s favorite teacher. She has long, black hair that she always keeps in a bun. She wore a lot of dresses and bangles that jingle when her arms move. As if she were a grand act, everyone quiets.

  
“We are going to do a short story unit.” She writes this on the board, in loopy, fancy script.

  
“Today I’d like you to pick one short story to read from the list that I’ve written up. You will have a partner, and you are to do a small presentation of what you’ve both gathered from it. Your differing perspectives and likenesses.” She says this as she hands out the lists, when it gets to Kenny he looks down at it. Blue eyes scanning the stories.

  
“You can pick your partner.” Said blue eyes flick up to Craig. And finally, Craig looks up to him. Kenny grins at him, gap toothed and sweet. Craig just smiles half heartedly. He picks his bags up and sits closer to Kenny. Clyde goes off to find someone to partner with while Lockie sits next to Nelly.

“So what should we do?” Kenny asks, skimming the list again.

  
“Franz Kafka.” Kenny looks up at Craig and stares curiously. Craig didn’t strike Kenny as a literature person. He places the list down.

“Alright, is it on there?” Craig highlights the title of the short story by Kafka.

  
*

  
**THEATRE IN THE PARK**  
COME ONE, COME ALL, COME TO THEATRE IN THE PARK. WHERE OUR VERY OWN TWEEK TWEAK WILL BE PERFORMING IN DENVER WITH THE BIG LEAGUES. SUPPORT YOUR CLASSMATES. TICKETS ON SALE.  
PERFORMANCES WILL BE DECEMBER 1ST TO DECEMBER 5TH AT THE CITY PARK

  
Kenny stares down at the flier. He’s in his fourth and last period and he just wants to go home. There are posters everywhere about it. Apparently Tweek landed a big gig in Denver. The school was supporting him. Kenny, Clyde and a few of Clyde’s friends were to go. Kenny sits next to Kyle as he looks down at his text book, taking notes. They are in study hall.

  
“Are you going to the halloween concert?” Kenny inquires. There wasn’t a big concert going scene for the people in his grade. But whenever there were holiday parties everyone seemed to go. Especially if It was actually in South Park and not the surrounding towns. Halloween was on the weekend. Another Sunday, but the party was going to be held Saturday.

  
“I mean.” Kyle doesn’t look up from his notes.  
“No dude. I have to study with Nelly.” Kenny rolls his eyes. Kyle and Nelly were close after they both joined the debate team. Their morals and values matched up so well. Nelly had a hot temper and believed in equality and feminism. While Kyle floated along a similar boat. They were both friends with Wendy too, and often teamed up against Cartman.

  
“Uhg. Lame man.” Kenny says. He taps his foot. He opens up his cellphone and goes to facebook. The first thing he sees is that 57 people liked a tagged photo of him and Craig.

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: there is one thing i'm going to warn about with this story and it's that there is mention of rape and a main character with ptsd. This story is partially based off my own experiences and is meant to be therapeutic in a way. The portrayal of ptsd is from my own experiences with it. I am sorry if it doesn't match up to yours, if you suffer with it.
> 
> If you have experienced sexual assault or have been raped, please seek out support and help. There is always help out there for you. You can heal and learn how to cope. I have faith in you.
> 
> Resources:
> 
> RAPE, ASSAULT INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK
> 
> 800 656 4673
> 
> NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE
> 
> 1 800 273 8255

“I hate Halloween.” Craig says as he rolls some strange, abandoned toy around with a long stick he had found. Clyde throws a rock into the slush that is Starks pond. The two of them often ventured out there every Tuesday morning and afternoon. They had an A day, so their first period was study hall. They both opted to skip out on it. Craig usually fell asleep while Clyde would text Lola.

“I know.” Clyde says in his own usual monotone. Craig pushes the knock off power Ranger into the pond. And he stabs the stick through the half frozen water. Feels around under the surface.

“it’s so…eerie.” it’s said in apathy. But Craig always hated fall. It’s the time of death. Everything around you is falling apart and dying. The colors may be beautiful but the leaves turning brown shows their demise. The trees are bare and exposed. The air you inhale feels crisp and cruel. Everything feels haunted. As if the portal to the other side is completely open for the days fall takes over.

“You say this every year, but you never explain it.” Craig looks at the colors bleeding together over the mountains. It’s beautiful. Oranges and blues and purples blending together. Clouds contrasting with little puffs of white. The stick falls from his fisted hand.

“Yeah.” Is all he says about that. He can’t explain it. Doesn’t know how to articulate what he feels. There is more to it. But it's like there is a wall blocking it off from coming out off his mouth.

A vibrating coming from Craig’s pocket makes him come out of his mind and he digs it out. Dark brown eyes fall on his notifications, and he sees that he has more likes of the picture of him and Kenny on facebook. They’re at 72 likes now. Craig stares long and hard at it. Thumb brushing against Kenny’s face. It’s not the best photo, done on a phone with a crap filter. Totally Lola. Craig hasn’t been able to stop staring at it since he found out it has been posted. He doesn’t really know why. It’s shitty quality.

He keeps thinking back to when Kenny held him that night. Normally Craig doesn’t let people touch him…not after…

But he let Kenny, and he didn’t hate it. Kenny felt safe. Like Craig could lay there and melt in his arms. Like he can trust him. Realistically, Craig knows Kenny has a bit of of a rep. But he can't really control the security he felt. Craig presses the button to blacken the screen. He doesn’t want to think about that or what it could mean And puts the device next to him.

“Oh. So Token is having a party Saturday. Lola is performing.” Clyde says. He throws another rock out into the water. Craig feels a pressure in his chest. Uncomfortable. As if someone is stroking his heart with dirty fingers. Prodding and pressing at it.

“Okay.” Craig says. It doesn’t sound harsh or forced. And something about that feels false to Craig, like he's lying and makes him feel sick. His fingers are curled ever so slightly in his lap. Like little claws.

“I never understood why you hated his house so much.” Clyde says. Craig stares at them, his pale quivering hands. Clyde is focused out at the scenery, and no, he doesn’t notice. No one does. Craig blends into a crowd. Always. He likes it that way.

Plain and boring, right?

That shaking hand clenches at his chest. Craig tries his best to slowly take deep breathes.

*

_And now that it’s over, I’ll never be sober. And now I’m so high…_

Craig’s closes his eyes as he passes his pipe to Kenny. They were just taking one little hit before they worked on the short story. There was something that made the creative juices flow when you smoked weed. Everything just seemed to make more sense. They decided on Kafka's “Unhappiness.” It’s a very short story. But Craig has to have read it a million times, and decided it might be fairly simple to analyze it. Kenny puts the pipe down on Craig’s night stand and lets out a pleased sigh.

“So, Kafka?” Kenny questions as he lowers the volume of the Childish Gambino playlist he had turned on. He lets out a giggle at where it paused. The singer was dancing and twisting his body in weird ways on a table. Kenny licks his lips and looks up at Craig.

“Yeah.” Craig says. He turns his body so he’s looking at Kenny. Craig pulls out his chap stick and smears it on his lips before speaking again.

“I like him a lot.” He tries to keep any excitement out of his voice. Monotonous.  Craig loved literature. He liked a lot of things. Animals, music, photograohy, space and anime.

And literature.

“What does it even mean? Like. I got that some freaky ghost girl visited him. She was annoying. It was his property and he let her in but she was rude as fuck.” Kenny explains. Craig tilts his head ever so slightly and lets out a scoff. A smile finds it's way to his lips.

“Do you…you missed the point.” Craig explains. He looks down at his lap and digs out the folded up papers that he printed out from the website they got the short story from.

“It’s titled unhappiness.” Craig says. And Kenny looks at him, still confused. Craig lets out an annoyed sigh.

“I think….” Craig pauses.

“I think the girl visiting him was depression.” Kenny looks at him, puzzled and waiting for him to continue. He tries to find the best way to word it simply.

“She was a ghost because he hadn't been depressed in quite awhile. But she came back. And he let her in, unaware how hostile she'd be “ Kenny seems to understand that a bit better. But Craig can tell he still has inquiries. Literature analysis has never been Kenny’s strong point. He leans closer to Craig.

“Why did she come back?” Kenny pries. Craig smiles at that, and he is unaware of the way Kenny looks at that dimpled smile. His finger tips tap at his clothed knee.

“That’s the right question.” Craig says in his usual nasal. He passes the folded up papers to Kenny.

“It's not the fact that the ghost is there. It's why she came in the first place. It's not the fact that we are depressed….it's what…triggered it.” Craig looks down at his hands. He trailed off. He knows that's off. Depression isn't situational. But god, does it feel like it. It's like every thing is wrong. Everything _feels_ wrong. Craig’s dark browns are coated with flesh as he takes a deep inhale.

“I think I get it.” Kenny says, a pause. Craig wants to sit in that quiet. Hopes Kenny doesn't ask anymore.

“Why do you think he didn't leave his apartment?” Kenny inquires anyways. Craig's eyes open at that. The lighting is so dim in his room. It almost feels surreal. Like he doesn’t belong in it. Like he doesn’t belong on this earth. Like he doesn’t belong next to Kenny. It’s easier not to belong, to be a walking zombie than it is to try to be alive. He let Kenny into his mind a little. And that's dangerous. He almost feels like there is an invisible shield being put up around him. Craig has to protect himself. He knows the answer, but he numbs himself. Looks up at Kenny and says in the most dry voice her can muster

“I don’t know.”

***

  
Lola loves to bake. She loves a lot of things. Her heart I full I it and she expresses it through words, action and food.  And while Craig doesn't really say much to her, like, ever. When she passes him a plate of cookies, he knows she is trying to express love to him.  Craig has kept a cool reserve towards hee. But he likes her, shes good for Clyde. He smiles with half a heart and takes the securely plastic wrapped cookies. Puts them in his bag. It's another B day, and he sits next to her in AP history.

Her gaze is down on a piece of paper. The teacher is going on about something, and instead of paying attention her hazel eyes are glued to it. Craig watches from the corner of his eyes as she highlight something on the sheet. When she looks up his eyes dart back up to Mr Burn. He's a stout man with a huge beard and light brown hair. His first name is Zachariah, and he's Craig's favorite teacher.

“Pst. Craig.” Lola whispers. Craig turns towards her and she points to the flyer in front of her. For the third time since yesterday Craig feels his heart drop.

It's an advertisement for Tweek's play. He blinks, and his hand automatically inches towards the poster until his finger tips brush against it. They gently fall on the Name Tweek Tweak in fancy lettering.

“You have to go with Clyde and us!” she says in a shout-whisper. Craig blinks with his sleepy, tired brown eyes and forces a smile on his usually blank countenance.  He hasn't talked to Tweek since they were sophmores. Tweek completely blocked him out of his life after...

“Yeah.”

When the bell rings, Craig finds the nearest bathroom. He is so frantic and rushed that the door slams shut behind him. He doesn't lock the stale, just falls to his knees and throws up the eggs and bacon he had for breakfast from the cafeteria.

***

 _Do you want to smoke?_ The text reads. It’s from Kenny. Craig is in his backyard. His fancy photography camera lay on the plastic table next to him. He was trying to take pictures of the stray cat that had come tumbling down from the tree in the backyard.  Ruby sat in the kitchen, watching him with bored half interest.

 _Sure_ he texts back. Craig takes his camera in his arms and opens the sliding door to his moms small little house. His step dad moved out after his mother found out he was cheating on her with other woman online. They couldn't afford their old house, and moved to a smaller one on the outskirts of town.

Craig flips Ruby off as he passes her, and she returns the gesture. He makes his way upstairs and closes his door. He sets up netflix and turns on **Red Racer in Space!!!** It is his favorite anime and reboot of the series. If Kenny were to come over, he'd have to endure Craig's favorite anime amd watch it while they were high.

He's halfway into re watching episode one when Craig hears his doorknob twist open. His baseball cap is discarded somewhere on the floor. He's covered by blankets and the heat is on a low blast. Crsig pauses the show, and makes room for Kenny on his bed. Kenny pulls back some sheets and sits next to him. Their bodies are close and normally it would make Craig uncomfortable, but it feels right in that moment.

“Where is your pipe?” Kenny asks. Craig rummages around In the small mess on his night stand and pulls it out from under a shirt it was hiding underneath. They set everything up that needs to be done. When they are done, Kenny passes him his Cthulhu lighter. And Craig takes it in his hands, wraps it tight in his hold and strikes his thumb down on the wheel, lights it.

They take a few hits before discarding the bowl.

It's a sleepy high. They watch Red Racer and laugh, a lot. Somewhere along the lines Kenny wraps Craig up in his arms and when episode three comes to an end they just lay there. It's quiet and the sun is hanging low in the sky. Kenny lets out a yawn. And they fall asleep like that.

When they wake, it is around 4 am. Craig is awake first. He is leaned over, looking into his phone. Kenny sits up next to him.

“Who are you texting?” Kenny pries. Half curious. Craig pulls the earbud out and doesn't respond right away.  Kenny watchesas he takes one last look at his phone before turning towards Kenny. 

“Just watching this guinea pig video.” Craig says, blankly. Kenny smiles at that. Same old Craig. Stripe junior sat in her cage,  making little squeaking noises every now and again.  Craig oved the damn thing so much.  She was his profile picture on facebook. Craig turns off his phone and puts his arms around Kenny.

He doesn't know why he does it. He just wants to. He loves the way Kenny feels.  Safe. Craig yawns into Kenny's shoulder.

“Are you going to Token's party?” Craig flinches at the mention of it. His fingers curl into the fabric of Kenny's sweatshirt.  And he opens his eyes, staring at their hands on Kenny's lap.

“No.” he says. Kenny rests his hand on the back of Craig's neck. There is a quiet.

“Well, if you change your mind. Let me know.” He offers. And Craig only shrugs his shoulders.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N (for this chapter): One thing i have to stress heavily is love is not a cure all or fix. And this will be expanded upon in future chapters. The way Craig feels is how i felt towards my bestfriend. They felt /safe/ when things didn't. I learned that i have to feel safe by myself, too, though. So trust me, the whole LOVE CURES EVERYTHING trope doesn't apply in this story.
> 
> This chapter is really short. I wanted most of what was supposed to happen in this chapter to be through Kenny's perspective. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: there is one thing i'm going to warn about with this story and it's that there is mention of rape and a main character with ptsd. This story is partially based off my own experiences and is meant to be therapeutic in a way. The portrayal of ptsd is from my own experiences with it. I am sorry if it doesn't match up to yours, if you suffer with it.
> 
> If you have experienced sexual assault or have been raped, please seek out support and help. There is always help out there for you. You can heal and learn how to cope. I have faith in you.
> 
> Resources:
> 
> RAPE, ASSAULT INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK
> 
> 800 656 4673
> 
> NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE
> 
> 1 800 273 8255

“Keep your elbows off of the table.” Laura says to Craig, eyes not wavering from the fast food she has bought. It's the only thing exchanged between the two of them tonight. As dinner wraps up, she leaves the plate on the table along with the butts of the cigarettes she was smoking. Laura goes up to her room, still in her nurse uniform and locks herself in there for god knows how long. Craig gingerly cleans up her mess while Ruby goes to the living room.

 

When the paper plates and plastic forks are disposed of, Craig's gaze falls out to their front yard. He doesn't know what he's thinking. It's almost a confusion, a fog over his mind. Craig's lips part, and he realizes he can't really move. This has happened before. But he doesn't really know why. It's like he's not even here. Like this isn't real.

 

Ruby enters the kitchen and walks up next to him. Her big blue eyes fall outside, to where Craig is staring, but not really looking.

 

“I fucking hate South Park,” She says. Craig can hear it but can't really comprehend it or articulate words to form a response. He just remains frozen there. Ruby is used to this, though, and stands right next to him until eventually, after about ten minutes he blinks hard. Eyelids squeezing shut. A gentle, quivering hand slowly makes his way up to his head. It doesn't happen right away, and they stand there for quite awhile.

 

“Yeah.” it's a delayed response. It comes out awkward, slurred. He tries to gulp down whatever is in his throat and steps forward. Stops. Steps forward. Stops again. Craig grips on the railing. Makes his way up to his room, where he closes his door. He lays on his bed and stares up at the ceiling, unable to sleep, think, talk, exist.

 

*

 

When Craig wakes up the next morning, after sleeping for about an hour, until 6 am. It's sudden, he jumps up, his hands flying to cover his face. His breaths are shallow. And he tries to practice what all those posts on tumblr would say. In through the nose, hold it, out through the mouth. Repeat.

 

The dream he had...

 

It was in a blank white room. So bright. It's not where it took place in reality. But it's all there. The fear of not being able to get away. Heart jumping. Fighting and fear. And then eventually just laying there, flat. Giving up. It's not the place it happened in real time, it's not even the real person who did it. But...

 

“ _I know this is what you want.”_

 

Craig's quivering hands gropes around for his phone. When he feels in under the covers he yanks at the sheet until his phone is out in the open. Craig grabs for it, quickly unlocks it.

 

The only person who texted him is Kenny, and he sits there. His gaze takes in the meme sent to him. The last thing he said to the other male is _fuck off, cheeto_. Craig's finger hovers over the call button, head jumping to every possible bad thing that could happen. But in an instant, he jabs his finger down on the little phone icon.

 

One ring, two ring, three ring, four ring...

 

“Sup Tucker?” Kenny's voice comes through the phone. He almost instantly adds in

 

 

“Woah man, what's wrong, why are you breathing like you have asthma?” Craig can hear the sound of the road and Kenny's blinkers in the background.

 

“I...Mccormick—I can't.” There is a pause.

 

“You can't what, Craig?” Kenny questions. Craig looks at his closet, which is full of so much crap he shoved in it after they moved to the new house. Old toys and posters, video games, clothes he can't fit. Craig doesn't know why he thinks of that in this moment. But he feels so hopeless, like this is futile. 

 

“I just. I can't.” He tries to sound normal. He tries, but it comes out all wrong. Choppy, through shaking deep breathes. Ugly

  
“I can't...” Before Craig stops himself he lets out a sob. This is so embarrassing. He wants to hang up. Doesn't know why he called Kenny in the first place. Craig just remembers the feelings he has sometimes around the other boy. Like he could lay next to him and feel they are the only people in the world. Like they are in their own safe little reality.

 

  
“I'm coming, now.” Kenny says. Craig hangs up.

 

It's quiet, just the sound of bird song and nature call. It's eerie, and Craig opens up youtube on his phone. He searches up No Name's new album, and lays back down. His breathing has come to a calmer state. Craig closes his eyes, listens to the lyrics of the song.

 

_When the sun is going down, and the dark is here to stay. I picture your smile, like it was yesterday..._

 

It's the start of the third song on the album when Craig hears Kenny pounding up the stairs. He's finally got a hold of his breathing, and his tears are dried on his cheeks. He did that himself. And when the door opens, Craig turns his head to Kenny, Who just comes In and climbs into bed next to Craig. Maybe he doesn't know what else to do. Maybe Craig didn't need Kenny and maybe it was unnecessary to call him. He can take care of himself. But Kenny wraps Craig up in his arms, pulls him in real tight. And it's safe. Craig's not _alone_ in that moment.

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR PANIC ATTACKS AND VIOLENCE IN THIS CHAPTER

There is a shift in their relationship in a small amount of time. Kenny doesn't know what has caused it. Ever since the party on Sunday, Kenny can feel Craig opening to him. He's not sure how to feel about that, but Craig's black locks are twisting in his fingers as he combs his digits through them. His hair is so dark and thick. It's strange; Craig looks nothing like his family. There used to be rumors that he was adopted. Kenny thinks he looks more like the kids who live in his neighborhood. Tanned skin, dark eyes and features. Latino. Maybe there is validity to Craig being adopted.

Kenny doesn't think it's his business. It's not like he hasn't been in foster care before, no matter how short lived that may have been. He presses a kiss to Craig's head, a friendly gesture. The other man squirms in his hold, and turns around. Kenny loosens his grip so Craig can do so. They lay next to each other, and Kenny rests his hand on top of Craig's, in between them.

"We have class." it's said in monotone, those sleepy brown eyes stare into Kenny's blues. Kenny is left a little speechless at first as he stares into those dark orbs. Kenny never liked brown eyes, but Craig's...he loves Craig's. His tongue darts out to moisten his lips and quickly, he regains himself. Opting to stare elsewhere, anywhere else.

"Fuck class." he says, sleep deprived. His eyes fall on Craig's hands, fingers interlaced with his. Kenny let Craig lay there in a rest, but he couldn't let himself succumb to it. There was something about the way Craig was talking when he had called Kenny. Kenny has never heard or seen Craig cry. But the choked sobs emitting from the other line was worrisome. As soon as he heard it, he made a u turn and went back in the opposite direction, towards the Tucker residence. Kenny didn't want to bring it up, but it triggered a protective instinct inside of him.

So he watched over the other male as he slumbered. Nose buried in sweet smelling black hair. Arm tossed over Craig's torso.

"I'm turning our notes in next wednesday." Craig says, he turns onto his back, letting his finger untangle from Kenny's. Kenny sits up as Craig does so. Kenny feels around for Craig's bowl, discarded somewhere in the sheets.

"Isn't that a bit soon?" Kenny questions as he finally pulls the pipe from where it was hidden under the blankets. "Do you have any weed left over?" Kenny adds in as he rolls the glass around in his hands. Craig looks up at him, and Kenny's lips part as he looks at Craig's face. He's...pretty. Kenny's eyes roam the canvas of Craig's face. Tanned skin with little splotches of flushed pink. Dark eye brows and soft, pink lips. He had flaws, Cartman always pointed out his 'snaggle teeth'. But Kenny didn't really care. His eyes flick from Craig's eyes to his nose, his mouth, all over.

"In the nightstand." Craig replies. Kenny gulps, hesitates before looking away.

"And...I don't know. I just like being early." Craig says as Kenny pulls out the last bit of weed Craig has. It's a very strange thing, considering Craig was known to get detention so often for having a fuck-you attitude. But in another way, it was very Craig like, too.

Kenny noticed awhile back that with Craig it's all or nothing. There are no in betweens. Fleshed out costumes or a simple sweater with a little super hero logo on it. Dedicated friendships where you'd easily change sides, or not giving a shit and hating the other person.

Kenny and Craig had a weird friendship.

They partnered for everything in school, animals close up, field trips, projects. But at the end of the day...

_I fucking hate Craig!_

There was still a distance.

But there was something here, right now, in this moment in time. Where Kenny could feel Craig and himself becoming friends. Bros. Whatever.

Kenny lights up the pipe and takes a hit, leaning his head back and passing it to Craig. He lets himself fall backwards on the bed and just looks at the ceiling. There is only enough weed to have one or two hits, but it's a nice, subtle high. It's enough.

They pass the bowl back and forth a few more times before discarding it again. Craig lays back down next to him. It's nice and quiet and lazy. It has to be around 11 am, and the sunlight paints the room in gold.

Without thinking about, Kenny digs around in his pants pockets and pulls out his vape, pressing the button on it three times. When it's on, he takes a big hit. He pushes his lips together a certain way, tensing his jaw gently, and little rings of smoke come from his mouth.

"You vape." Craig says, watching the little o's float away, and then fade into nothing.

"Well, yeah-"

"Get out of my room." Craig says, flat. Mock look of seriousness on his face. A grin finds a way to Kenny's lips, and he laughs.

"You're an asshole. There ARE benefits to vaping over cigarettes, you know." Kenny says. Craig rolls his eyes. Kenny watches the brown orbs move and lets out a chuckle.

"Your eyes look like big brown moons." he says, it sounded like the perfect thing to say at the moment. He turns over on his side and reaches a hand out to touch Craig's face, but pauses. In a grant of permission, Craig takes his own hand and rests it on top of Kenny's guiding it towards his countenance. He feels like Craig's hand is sinking into his, like they are one. Kenny's lips part as he runs his thumb over Craig's closed eyelid. His hearts pounding in his chest. His finger tips gingerly run down the surface of Craig's face. Sinking.

"Show me how to blow o's." Craig says, turning towards Kenny. Kenny lets his hand fall, and takes in Craig's countenance.

"Yeah. Yeah, ok."

* * *

Hours had passed since then, and they'd both fallen asleep again. It's the sound of some weird indie song that Craig has as his ring tone that wakes them up.

Craig feels around for his phone as Kenny stares at his back. Craig answers it, voice groggy and sleepy.

"You HAVE to come to Token's party." Kenny watches and notices how Craig tenses at this. He can hear Clyde, loud and clear, though he's not on speaker.

"No." Craig responds. Kenny sits up and looks out the window. The sky is blending together in different colors, it's almost night time. Have they really been out this long?

"Come ON. Your favorite band will be there. You know, Star Kissers? Lola will be playing after." Kenny can see how uncomfortable Craig is, and he places a hand on his shoulder. Craig shakes it off, though.

And wow, back to square one.

"I'll only go for a little bit." Craig says, he hangs up as Clyde starts to gush and thank him. The phone falls from his grip onto the bed. Craig sits there, staring out the window. Kenny scoots a little closer to him. He wants to ask if he's alright, but it's none of his business. Instead, he looks out at Craig's front lawn instead.

"We can go together. I'll stay with you, the whole time." Kenny tells him. Craig lets out a scoff at that, and remains quiet. Kenny stares at his profile for a few seconds. Something isn't quite right, but Kenny leaves it be. He gets off the bed, and starts going through Craig's clothes. He finds a band tshirt that says 'Joyce Manor' on it, with a tooth in the middle of the two words.

"Come on, get dressed."

Craig eventually turns around, their eyes don't meet. Craig stares down the whole time, keeps his gaze away from Kenny.

* * *

The ride to the party is quiet, minus the hum of Kenny's truck and the radio. They're listening to some pop station. Kenny looks out at the road while Craig stares out at the window, familiar houses and stores passing by. It's a short ride, and when they arrive at Token's, the engine cuts off. Kenny turns to Craig.

"It's going to be sweet, dude." He says with a smile. Craig looks at him, and forces one back. It's ugly, nothing like the one at the last concert they went to. False. But Kenny accepts it.

They both step out, trudge through the snow to the large mansion that is Token's house. They don't bother knocking. Just open the door to music pounding. People talking. The scent of booze.

The foyer is large, with a big twisting stair case leading to the many rooms in the Black residence. It always amazes Kenny, he remembers getting lost here once or twice. He was fortunate he had his phone.

Kenny looks over his shoulder at Craig, and notices how off he looks. His eyes are wide, wider than usual. His hands are in little balls at his side. Lips parted. He looks pale, like he's seen a ghost. Kenny steps back towards him,

"Hey, we can ditch this if you want, man." Kenny offers. Craig stares out at the expanse of the foyer, he looks like he's about to explode. Kenny wants to grab his hand and pull him out of here, he doesn't know what's got Craig got so worked up. But it's eerie. He's about to do just that, when Craig speaks.

"I'm fine." It's said airily, his eyelids squeeze shut.

"Lets get a drink." Craig says, taking the lead. Kenny follows after him. They end up getting a corona and finding a couch to just sit and relax. Kenny throws his arm around the other male, and surprisingly; Craig scoots closer to him.

It's fine at first, Craig warms up. They both crack a bunch of jokes about the party goers. Kenny telling the stories of their classmates and people they don't know from the town over. It's great.

But then...it's not so great. Kenny is laughing so hearty at something he said. Something about Heidi Turner's dad looking like he ate the whole damn gym. That's how buff he is. Until he realizes Craig's not laughing. He doesn't know what caused the pause, but his eyes are glued to where a table has been set up for beer pong. Kenny's eyes follow his, they land on some guy. He has dirty blond hair, cut close to his head. He's shorter than the two of them. But he has subtle muscles, a slender, muscular frame. He's whispering into some girls ear, hand curled around her waist.

"You know him?" Kenny pries. He looks at Craig, and without and warning, and signs. Craig shoots up, pushing Kenny away.

"What? Where are you going man?" Kenny questions as he gets up and follows Craig. His pace is fast, pushing people out of his way. A few people vocalize their irritation and Kenny apologizes on his behalf. Before he knows it, Craig's running, and Kenny's running after him.

A door slams shut behind them, and they are in some weird porch. There are lawn chairs and some weird lawn ornaments. Kenny watches as Craig paces, knocking some of the little figurines over. His fingers are gripping at his hair. He left his baseball cap at home, and he's tugging at his locks. Tears streak his face. Rolling down his cheeks.

"Craig, what-" Kenny steps closer, but Craig stares with wide eyes, backing away.

"No." he says, and Kenny stays where he is. He's confused, and scared. He doesn't know what the fuck is going on.

"No. No. No. Get away from me!" Craig is backing into a wall, legs keep moving even though there is nothing else to back into. He's covering his face, sobs and whimpers escaping his lips.

Kenny dares to step closer, unsure of what to do.

"STOP! GET AWAY FROM ME!" Craig says, it's broken and frightened. So unlike Craig, so unusual. It's said in the same nasal, but with so much fear conveyed into it. Craig pushes Kenny away and Kenny falls backwards on his ass. Before he knows it, Craig's on top of him. Plowing his fists into him. He's screaming and crying and Kenny lets him hit him. God knows he's endured enough pain. When he can though, he grips onto Craig's wrists.

"Craig, come on. You're safe. You're safe. I'm not going to hurt you."

Craig pauses. An absolute freeze. He's breathing so shallow, heavy.

"It's me, Kenny. Come on, you're safe. Breathe in, come on, breathe." Kenny watches as Craig tries to catch his breath. How he shakes, how the quivers feel in his grip.

"Kenny..." he says through shaky breathing.

"Don't talk, just breathe. Like that. In. Hold it. Hold it. Out, now..."

* * *

The ambulance is called, Kenny and a bunch of other party goers watch as Craig is whisked away to hells pass. Kenny doesn't tell anyone that Craig hit him. He's sporting a black eye, but he's always bruised up. No one thinks anything of it.

Kenny pulls his phone out of his pocket, and looks at the last text sent to him by Craig.

_"Fuck off, cheeto."_


End file.
